Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Up and Down couple of weeks.

And no, I'm not talking about my weight.  I still have not been on a scale but I don't feel I have gained any weight or anything.  I'm talking about my exercise for the past week and a half or so.  I started off strong last week like I said I would.  I walked Monday and Tuesday, but then Wednesday and Thursday my legs were aching so bad not because I was doing anything different but because I was just walking too much I think.  I don't mean the aching you get when you've walked too long, or done squats for 30 minutes straight.  This was a different sort of aching.  They ached so bad I couldn't hardly sleep.  Like a deep muscle ache I guess.  So I took a couple of days off to rest them and on Friday I hit the treadmill and walked for about half the time I usually do.

Fast forward to this week and I haven't walked a single day yet.  I've been rather stressed this past week and a half.  Not job related at all, in fact, I enjoy my job, I feel like I actually get shit accomplished there.  No, my stress stems from my home life.

My mom is sick.  She's been confirmed to have Bone Cancer.  They're trying to now decide is it able to be treated or is she just SOL like my father was in 2006 and if so, how long does she have roughly.  The issue she had in IL where we found her not breathing and unresponsive (and despite what she says I swear to god she had no pulse) was a result of the new medication they put her on because of the possibility of having Bone Cancer to try to help with the pain.  Bone cancer is very very painful, it makes your entire body hurt, she can barely walk, everything just hurts.  So, for obvious reasons, her temper fuse is extremely short.

Now.  I have 2 cousins that are going to be 13 and 12 in the next 3 weeks.  They're tweens.  Hell they're acting like teenagers anyway.  And you know how teenagers can be.  They can be mean, they can be spiteful, and they're very ungrateful for what they're given.  These teenagers that I love to hate sometimes, don't know about my mom's condition.  They just know that she's sick, and we chalked it up to her fibromialsia which is something they know she has getting worse.  However, they're onto the fact that something else is up.  My mom doesn't want to worry them since my dad died so quickly from cancer.  The older of the two asked me a couple of days ago if my mom is sick like my dad was.  It was so freaking hard to tell her it was the fibromialsia.  So that's one stressor for me.  I want these kids to know what's going on but my mom won't let me tell them.  They, of course, don't get it and they're all pissed off all the time because my mom snaps at them constantly.  You can imagine the yelling matches and stuff.

Luckily my job has me working from 2pm to 7pm.  So basically I'm gone by the time the kids get home from school and by the time I get home it's almost bed time for them.  I miss being around them but I don't miss the drama.  But when I get in the car from being picked up from work, D's always got some sort of stuff to bitch about with the kids and my mom.  He loves the kids to death but he thinks my mom's way too hard on them, and honestly I feel the same way but we feel like we're stuck between a rock and a hard place with no where to go.  We're stuck in one little tiny room in the house, any time we go outta that room with our stuff, it's given back to us within an hour of leaving it out in the living room which drives me bonkers.  Feels like we're always being told to go back to our cage or something.  My mom is like a Nazi with bed times and going out and stuff, and she wasn't like that before.  These kids still have to be in bed by 8, and when I was their age I was staying up until 9 because I always watched Star Trek.  Then by the time I was in HS I was up until 10 or 11 every night, sometimes later if I had lots of homework.

But I digress.

My problem is I feel like we're constantly stuck in stress land with no where to go to unwind.  You'd think that a good walk would destress me but it doesn't.  I feel more stressed because I haven't walked because I feel like I'm failing when it comes to trying to lose weight but fuck me it's hot outside during the day.  Usually in the evenings it's still too hot.  Or last night I wanted to go for a walk but once I got home I was told I had to stay home because I needed to be there in case the AC guys came.  Our motor for the AC blower went out late in the afternoon.

I'm doing fine on eating, and that alone should help me continue to lose albeit at a slower rate than I would if exercising too.  As stressed as I am if I find myself looking around for something to eat I just remind myself that it's emotional eating and walk away.  I stick to my three meals a day and have fruit while at work.  That's all I allow myself.  When I do eat some "non healthy" food, like yesterday when I had a brat and some sour cream and onion chips for the first time in a long time, I measure everything out and stick to ONE serving.  Last night we had Subway since we didn't want to heat up the already hot house even more by cooking.  I had a 6 inch oven roasted chicken breast sandwich with lettuce, tomato, a small amount of black olives, spinach, and red onion with one light swipe of light mayo and a little salt and pepper.  Saved the other 6 inch portion of it for lunch today.  I also shared half a bag of cheddar flavored sun chips.  I was pretty full after that dinner.

Now I just need to get my fat ass motivated again to walk some more...ugh

Until next time... 


  1. "As stressed as I am if I find myself looking around for something to eat I just remind myself that it's emotional eating and walk away. I stick to my three meals a day and have fruit while at work. That's all I allow myself."

    That is just brilliant. Have a big pat on the back from me.

    I am so sorry things are tough for you at home right now, and I wish your Mom some medication which will ease her pain. It's a grim time and you are doing so well looking after yourself as you do. Take care. x

  2. Thanks. It's stressful, but you just gotta keep plodding along. I did get a couple of days of walking in, so I wasn't completely void of exercise. But today is the now 12 year old's birthday bash and there's going to be cake and pizza so I forced myself to walk this week or I wouldn't allow myself a small piece of cake. lol.