You know, it's amazing. I manage to make it through the Fourth without any major eating problems. In fact, I didn't even realize it WAS the fourth until my boyfriend's dad called for something else and was like, oh by the way happy 4th! I was like, oh, right, you too! lol. Know what I had for dinner on the 4th? Cottage Cheese (1/2 cup), steamed broccoli, and half a burger (lettuce, tomato, and cheese!). yep, that's it. Half. Why half? I forced myself to eat the good for me stuff first, and thus....I wasn't hungry for more than half. Rather than force myself to eat it. I threw it away. Yes, that's right, me! Throwing away food! What's gotten into me?!
I was always taught you clean your plate. Not saying my parents weren't the best parents ever (they really were, and my mom still is!), or that it's all their fault that I'm fat cuz let's face it, no one's forced me to gain even more weight as an adult...
But those teachings stick with you. I go to a restraunt, I feel like I have to eat all my food or someone will think I'm ungrateful. Or that their food sucked. Or whatever. I see there's leftovers from dinner and I feel like I need to eat them or they'll go to waste in the fridge. I go to an all you can eat buffet and I feel like if I don't eat a second plate full of food, I'm not getting my money's worth. These are all excuses I've made up over the years to convince myself the continued over eating was no big deal.
I've met a woman, she's about my mom's age, at the job I had for a whole 2 weeks (long story as to why I said had not have)...she's Hungarian. Funniest woman I've ever met. Anyway, she's bigger, like I am. We were talking one day about the cultural differences between Hungarian/European women and Americans. I told her I was raised to clean my plate, she told me they were raised to leave a bite of each food type to remember those who go without. Wow. What a concept. Leaving food? It got me thinking....why can't I leave food behind? What makes me thing I HAVE to eat everything put in front of me? regardless if I like it or not?
So I've started it. I left a bite of broccoli. A bite of cottage cheese and of course, half of my burger. It's been one month now. Almost to the day. I didn't realize it until today that it had been a month, so I hopped on the scale this morning just to see where I was, how much I accomplished in one month. This month I lost 9.8 pounds. This morning I weighed in at 267.2 pounds. That's an average of just over 2 pounds a week. Considering they say 1 to 2 pounds a week is what to shoot for, I'm not complaining. Considering I worked out a lot in the beginning of the month and then didn't really do a whole lot of "official" working out until this pool thing, I'm not complaining. I'm glad I lost the weight. It puts me down to within 7 pounds of where I was before I stopped last year. That means in another month I could be back down to the almost 250 mark where I was last year when I stopped because I couldn't seem to get over that hurdle.
You know what the change is for me? My mom. My mom is losing weight. My mom is trying hard to be more active, and I am living near her now. My mom is not extremely over weight, in fact I'd say she could probably lose about 20-30 pounds and be good. But my mom wants to do things with me that I honestly can't do right now.
I can't ride a horse.
I can't go for a long hike somewhere.
I can't go for walks as fast as she can.
I can't fit into her clothes like I could as a kid.
I can't go shopping somewhere unless it has a "big" section.
I'm tired of I can'ts. I want some I cans. I want to be able to ride a horse, go shopping with mom in some thrift store that's never heard of anything bigger than a large. I want to be able to go walking with her and my aunt and not feel like I'm bogging the whole walk down because I have to waddle to keep up. I want to be able to go for a long hike around some mountains. I want to be normal. I never have been, not for as long as I can remember, and the only way I can do all that stuff is to lose weight. So I have made my commitment. Now that I can talk the talk, it's time to continue to walk the walk. Wish me luck.
Until next time.
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