A "Witch" of a day in the makings

Today is going to be my bane. I can already feel it. I woke up almost 2 hours after my alarm should have gone off, was an hour late to work, haven't eaten breakfast today and I'm starving, and feel like utter shit. I really don't feel like things have changed much over the weekend. I seemed to be hungry a lot more than usual despite eating well... which caused me random trips to the kitchen where I would stare into the fridge or the cupboards and realize, hey stupid there's nothing in there, shut it and go sit back down and watch tv or play my computer. Much of my frustration with trying to eat better stems from not knowing, for sure, if I'm doing well or not. Those Tostadas, were they the absolute best choice? Maybe not, but it was something I liked, knew I could put veggies on, and was a better choice, in my opinion than say eating fried chicken for dinner or something like that. Isn't that what this is supposed to be about? Making BETTER choices in our lives than cutting out every single thing that is bad? If I cut it all out and make myself miserable I'd be much more likely to go back to my usual eating and I don't want that.

I didn't really have time to post yesterday. I woke up kind of late (for me) at around 9am or so, did some stuff around the house, cleaning and what not, made sure my chicken strips were defrosted so I could make chicken fajitas for dinner and then logged onto WoW and got wrapped up into helping the boyfriend get new "gear" for his new druid, and other friends that I run with helping me get new gear on my shaman that I recently switched to a new type (yeah you probably have no idea what I'm talkin' about but just go with me on this). In fact, I was having so much fun i played for quite a long time. When I did get a moment that I could've posted, I got wrapped up in working on some posts I needed to do for my class, and so kind of forgot to post honestly. I had a late breakfast, so I didn't eat again until dinner, and had 2 fajitas for dinner. Had a banana (which I'm starting to think I'm allergic to, every time I eat one I start to feel sick, even though I mush them up so the texture doesn't bother me...), and a couple of those ice cream bars over the course of the whole day. But the problem is I don't know totals. I cannot sit down and say "This is how many calories I consumed!" because frankly anything made from scratch isn't packaged and thus don't have the totals for me. Sure I can look some of it up but it sounds so confusing.

I'm half tempted to sign up for that weight watchers online to see if maybe the points system will help to quantify it for me a little better but I dunno. I've been on weight watchers before and the weigh ins really detered me. So we'll see, I'll check it out, worse that happens, I guess is I sign up for it and waste some money for a month or two and then quit using it or something. I feel better doing it now than I would have a month or two ago when I was kind of crunching for money. The unexpected expense of going to my grandfather's funeral in IL kind of wiped my savings account out at a time when I was just starting to build it back up from being unemployed for 6 months. Today marks the first check I've gotten since I started at the very end of October that was a "full" check for me. Every other check has been short a day or two or a week. Since I hadn't been employed for at least 3 months, I didn't get paid for holidays, and had no vacation time or anything to make up the difference. Not that it's a huge deal, I don't use that much money per month on buying things that HAVE to be bought and bills that HAVE to be paid, but not having a savings to fall back on worries me. I've been in too many situations in which I've been let go at a job, or had to quit a job (such as when my dad passed in '06) that I needed that savings to use to live off of. Could my mom help me if such a thing were to happen? Probably. My boyfriend? Sure. But I am an extremely independent woman. I don't like asking others to pay for things for me, and like to hold my weight in a relationship, unless it was previously agreed upon, by both parties, that one or the other was going to pay for everything or a good chunk of it. Even when I was unemployed after I'd just moved out here to NM, I was paying for the groceries and the electric bill just so I felt like I was contributing, despite my boyfriend telling me it wasn't necessary. It's just the way I am. Not saying I won't let the boyfriend buy me a nice dinner or am one of those that gets mad if you do so, but when it comes to pulling my weight in paying the bills, I prefer to. It upsets me if I can't contribute in some way.

I've also been kind of down lately. I realized a couple of days ago that this time next year I'll be finishing my master's degree and my father, again, won't be there to see my accomplishment. It was hard enough to graduate with my bachelor's degree, that he pushed me so hard to get (for which I am greatful), and supported me every step of the way, even going so far as to squirrel away his poker money (he played penny poker with the rest of my extended family on Saturday nights) and send it to me in the mail about once a month. Not usually more than 30 or 40 bucks but it was to be used to buy me something nice or put gas in my car to come home and visit he said. And yes, I know he's watching over me from above, and will see it, but it's not the same as hearing the "I'm proud of you" words from him on that day. You see, it's not a simple case of a good student finishing college. I'm the first in my immediate AND extended family to get a Bachelor's. Even more "wow" is that I'm getting a master's. I'm also thinking of continuing on to get a second Master's or my Doctorates, I haven't decided yet. They say time heals all but I disagree. Time does not heal all, it just numbs the pain until something significant comes along again. Am I angry that he's gone, not so much anymore. I used to be. Was extremly angry, just ask my previous roomie (though he often brought out the absolute worst in me, I hated him, and I don't usually use that word when it comes to people). I'm better about it now, realizing that obviously it wasn't his fault it was time for him to go, but still kind of annoyed I guess because my mom is only 47 and is now a widow and obviously struggling to recover from her loss. Unless you've lost a parent, you don't know. People told me the understood, that the pain would pass, but at the same time they didn't know, they still had both parents. Now my mom has lost her dad and so she sort of understands but it's still not exactly the same, my grandpa was older, sicker, and had lived a full life, seeing all of his children get married, become successful and have their own kids. Instead, my dad won't see me finish school, get an awesome job, get married, have kids or anything like that. The pain is not the same as losing a good friend, a grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin. Same way I could never walk up to someone who just lost their child and say "It's ok, I understand". I don't understand that sort of pain. My cousin lost her first child at 4 months old and all I did was hug her and tell I was there for her, and left it at that. Being such a tight-knit family that all pretty much lived in the same area of IL makes for honestly being there for eachother easier.

I also won't be going home for lunch, probably, so I can't weigh myself until I get home, probably after 2:30pm. I've also just finished "that time of the month" and as usual retained water and such due to it so I may have gained weight this week but I'm pretty sure if I have, it's water weight and I'm not going to beat myself up over it. We'll see. I'll update later with it and what not.

Amber

Midday update: I'm feeling better now that I've ate and such. Lost .2 says the scale, but as I said I think it's probably because of water retention. I did do the free week of weight watchers, I think it might help me by putting things into a number I can see rather than just guestimating.

Anyway I'm finishin' up some lunch and headin' back to work. Toodaloo!